date: 7/20/26 19:48
mood: sad
status: milk tea
listening to: none

school is tomorrow and i know. i know i wasnt meant for this life and asking for this was a mistake and life has been kind to me and i should have known having it easy was the good choice. but it is also the cowardly choice. life has not been kind to me it has ignored me and been easy to me. now that im hit in the face with it full force i know the gravity of it

date: 6/25/26 18:34
mood: sad
status: i dont want milk tea
listening to: anchu roman by cali//gari

life has been so kind to me and ive been so ungrateful and if this is the consequence of that then i have to choice but to take it. literally everything in my life points to me being stupid and angry and stupid and angry and it feels so absolute. i know peopple say grades and smarts dont define how truly smatr you are but im still such a kid and it feels like everything there is even though i know how small i am to the universe and how meaningless everythign actually is. in this moment this is what feels liek all there is. this is MY universe. its bigger than me and so vast and its so terrifying. and i dont. i dont know what to do with myself. god. i always say this but i literally do not know what to do with myself. the solution really is suicide oh my god

i think the reason why im so sad recently is cause im coming back to ftf school and instead of everyone being excited for me (they are) it just feels like everyones telling me to turn abck. that i dont want this and that i wont be able to handle it. which is true to be fair. i wont. but i want to try and it feels like the entire world it against me and it makes me feel stupid cause its not and i dont know why im like this. my mom told me that because i chose this, i can't come to her to complain about anything. not the commute, not the studying, not the potential bullying. my mental illness pea sized brain interpreted this as her telling me ill be alone no matter what. and i tried to vent to my friend about it and she told me my mom was right and idk it just dawned on me how alone i really am and i donr knoowwwwwwww. i dont know. i think i really am and i dont know what to do. i dont know what to say. i dont know if i want this anymore but at the same time the same people who are telling me i wont be able to handle it are telling me that theyre excited and im so confused and i literally dont know what to do. i want to try because i want to prove them wrong but theres nothing to prove wrong because i know theyre right. like i genuinely feel insnae

i feel like im a very insufferable person to be with. im always telling myself to shut up and to act right but i end up getting too excited and tweaking out and then nobodys having a fun time but whenever im quiet literally the mood gets brought down and i get really confused because i dont know what other people want

date: 6/12/26 23:38
mood: uhhhh?
status: ????/
listening to: do i wanna know - arctic monkeys

I feel so... frustrated. I keep trying to articulate how i feel but i can't make anything right now. I can't write. I can't draw. I can't do anything and it's making me feel insnaely useless. its reminding me to not get comfortable. reminding me that im nothing. im not really good at anything except starving and cutting myself and im going to admit its haunting me. i feel lost. i have no idea who to talk to about this because i know nobody cares. is it bad that i want to feel like the best at something? ive noticed my sisters eating less. shes probably trying to lose weight. and i cant have her being skinnier than me so i went to weigh myself and i noticed im still 40kgs even though i KNOW i gained weight. i can feel it all. over. me. i can feel it everywhere and its haunting. everything is haunting. i want to feel important. i still want to be the prettiest. i still want to be skinny. uuuuuuuurghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

date: 6/9/26 18:02
mood: sad
status: want mik tea
listening to: shut up by takayan

nothing matters when youre mentally ill because all you care about when youre mentally ill is your mental illness. no matter how much love and blessings you receive it doesnt matter because all i can focus on is this gaping yawn in my chest telling me that this is all i am. im nothing without it. im constantly thinking about this, but i can never talk about it to anyone if not though text because i keep crying about it. i cant talk about it without crying. and im about to start face to face school (hopefully) and my mom keeps reminding me that people will see my scars, that we can get me a psychologist or a therapist or anything. its not going to work. it never will. theres nothing waiting for me on the other side of this . i know. i know. iknow. without this i ccant be anything else. i know. i cant tell anyone about this because i dont know if anyone can ffathom just how much of my life it controls. because it controls all of it. alll of it. all of it. i swear. i sear by it im not lying. thers nothing else to me other than this mental illness. and its why i hold people to such a long distance because i know that if anyone found out it would be the end for me. because i am nothing. more than this. andi know. i know hell is waiting for me. i know there are special places in hell for people who never beieved in god. but i just hope the fire burns softer. for people like me. for peoplle who couldnt save themselves. i realy wish there was an out for me. i wish this wasnt what i wanted. but at the same time im glad this is what i am. its satisfying because i know i deserve it anyway

date: 6/4/26 18:02
mood: sad
status: the chocolate starfih
listening to: modern crusaders by enigma

this post isnt related to pride month at all. its about full circle moments but happy pride month still

(1.) i had a friend on a certain side of twitter cough cough iykyk cough cough and she lowkey blocked me for some unknown reason which for some reason sent me kinda spiraling cause i REAALLLYYY liekd her (AS AFRIEND) so her blocking me felt so like.. what. and i remember she gave me her instagram once so i went to check on her instagram and shes fuckingn DATING ONE OF MY OLD CLASSMATES/????? isnt that crazy. what a small world we live in

(2.) the all female manga company clamp is the company who made the jotakak egg comic, which was one of the reasons i got into jjba at all... if they didnt make a weird slightly mpreg gay comic on the most hated yet most popular jjba ship of all time, i would have never found my favorite anime of all time...

date: 5/31/26 20:45
mood: none
status: milk tea
listening to: socket callibration by mike klubnika

where have i been?

it's been a few weeks since i've updated the website, and thats simply because of coders block. i tried to code a new page designated for my games since i wasn't quite happy with my media webpage, but i hit a road. I couldn't decide on an aesthetic/theme, so i decided to just have a replaceable one. next thing i know im done with the coding and i hate it. i hated everything about it. so this is a non-formal announcement that my games reviews will be MISSING FOR NOW!

another thing is that my step sister and her friend are looking to move in close to us, so they're staying over at our place for now. i've simply been *busy* but more content coming soon me thinks! i havent forgotten about my precious website completely

one more thing is that i recently reopened my alt discord account and im now talking to at least a few friends regularly. im not the social butterfly i once was, but im talking at least.

how am i?

physically, this is the greatest ive ever been. im at a certain weight where i dont feel horrible about my entire self but also have enough energy for me to spend when i work out. i recently upped my weights. my back looks good, my biceps look good, my legs look good. for the first time i think i look good without compromising my entire being.

mentally i feel silent. im not unhappy and not happy. i simply am. so ive had a lot of time to think and its making me wonder if i was even mentally ill to begin with. obviously i was. obviously i still kind of am, since i still weigh myself everyday and i still struggle with self harm but its just so.... quiet. for the first time in my life, its quiet and it scares me

another thing im thinking about is whether or not i need to explain myself. if i *do* come back to my instagram and my old discord, do i explain myself? will anyone want to know? will anyone be angry if i just say nothing? i dont know.

date: 5/8/26 12:22
mood: sad
status: kirin milk tea
listening to: high by sivik

i feel so sad about everything. i feel like everything is a lie. i always feel like poeple are lying to me when they tell me good things. like i just cant trust anything now. at the back of my mind theres always gonna be a voice telling me that i dont deserve any of this, any love, so i choose not to accept anything because im sure i dont deserve it. and then i grow salty when people drift away because i hold them at arms length. its so weird. i dont want to feel like this anymore but at the same time if i dont ill heal and i dont want to heal at all. knowing im not in a good mental space has become like a comfort to me. i feel like whenever my mental health is worse my social life is better, and when my mental health is better my social life is worse. and now i dont really know what to do cause ive willingly cut off everyone but i feel so shitty

ive always wanted to dissapear and now that i have i dont know what to do. i know i want this and it feels good. it does. but maybe im just telling myself that cause im trying to convince myself otherwise

date: 4/25/26 18:18
mood: sad
status: milk tea
listening to: none

i was playing dark souls as i usually do and had an epiphany. patience. yes the very simple idea of patience. the first time i ever played dark souls it took me about 30 minutes to even get past the tutorial, and i died probably a total of 10 times. after i got out of undead asylum i proceeded to die about 50 more times. after getting out of firelink shrine i proceeded to die 50 more times. i got so irritated and sad over it. i was beating myself up about it so hard, telling myself that most people would have been further than i am right now, or that im dying too often. i was rushing myself.

now its been about 3 months and i started a new save file on my laptop (instead of my nintendo switch since my brother is uually using it). i got through the tutorial in 5 minutes. got through undead burg in about 20 minutes. and yes, i acknowledge that i have built the skills to be able to fly through these levels, i realized the main difference between the me now and the me 3 months ago was that i was actually being patient.

you cannot overpower or outrun your enemies, you can only block, and wait, and strike. there is no such thing as lagging behind in dark souls, because you are exactly where you need to be. maybe not where you WANT to be, or maybe it doesnt feel good to be where you are right now, but the fact that you are even here is good enough, right? and it gives you a learning process thats the beauty about dark souls. its also why i was able to progress so fast. every death is something you can learn from. it doesnt matter if you only died once or if you died 50 times, they will both teach you something.

another thing i noticed i was doing different was number 1 not rushing and number 2 actually learning about the environment. instead of trying to rush through enemies with intent to kill, i took my patience and experimented with my equipment. in the end it really does come down to patience and learning.

EVERY dark souls pro you know now once used to be in YOUR shoes. they too were probably dying every 5 minutes when they first picked up the game. and they kept going, because they never put down their controller or abandoned the game. and i feel theres a valuable life lesson to be learnt here but ill figure it out next time

date: 4/23/26 15:21
mood: sad
status: hcococlate
listening to: hedemo neyo lasa edit by fujii kaze

im so sensitive all the time and sometimes it baffles me cause really all i do is overreact. i commented on a youtube video about a problematic band asking about a song that was used in the background cause i thought it sounded nice and then someone replied to me asking "y would u wanna know ??? if u listen to it ur supporting them" like damn okay please just tell me its from the problematic band and go on with ur day please i couldnt have known it was from them cause there werent any lyrics and why do u think im watching this video anyway ?? its cause i know nothing about them so i would probably barely know any of their songs please dont attack me,.,.,.,

also i feel like im so awkward LIKE i cant have normal conversations with people and i just hold myself strangely cause i feel so strange about myself like i feel like i cant be normal about anything anymore... ths isnt related to the topic but im call with my friendsafter like months of not being on call and i feel SO WEEIIRRDD

date: 4/18/26 14:43
mood: sad
status: very itchy. mosquitoes
listening to: gwyn lord of cinder by motoi sakuraba

its always been an art to me. its always been a competition. its always been a part of me. its so essential to my sense of self that taking it away at this point, this late into the game, feels futile. The idea of taking it away at all seems so alien to me, because of how much i treasure it

ive always had self harming tendencies. as a kid whenever id get mad at myself i would lock myself in a cubicle and hit my head against the wall. my earliest memory was of grade 4, when i took a plastic ruler and started scrapping away at my skin until it was red and raw. i showed my friend and she cried

i do it for a sense of control, for an outlet for my anger, and its also kind of a power-trip. but at the end of the day, its a coping mechanism. its hard to unlearn these things. wired into the very code of my human psyche. its been there for me when no one else was. i cant get rid of it now

would i like to? maybe, yes. in the future, when im grown and mature. now? i want to keep it so bad

i dont think anyone else will understand this at all. especially something like this thats so personal to everyone who does it. for me, its because it feels like the only thing thats allowed to be mine. it feels like im finally getting what i deserve. it stems from a sick sense of wanting to be judged, condemned, and tortured. my life is so nice and im so sad all the time so its like im creating an artificial explanation for my sadness if that makes sense. how ridiculous is that?

im a salty person. im mean and rude and ruthless in my mind. im constantly judging others

date: 4/17/26 1:56
mood: FUCK
status: FUCK
listening to: FUCK

i will never be able to properly articulate the feeling of pure gender envy and body dysmoprhia to anyone just because of the sheer viscerality (i dont think thats a word) of it. the heightened heartbeat, the blood whistling through your veins, the ache in your chest. a warm glow of throbbing pain everywhere knowing that wont be you. it might not ever be you. some people will achieve that normally, but not you, because youre not like them. its a a feeling of doom that starts a slow crawl into your chest, down the ladder of your ribs, a tingling sensation of ants everywhere, a restlessness no amount of chewing will give you. its like suddenly being aware of your breathing. of your blinking. of how strange you probably look. how alien you feel, and how wrong it is. you want to rip your skin from your muscles and listen to the RRRRIP like its a lullaby and youre a crying sobbing helpless new born. its all you want and its all you can taste. youre so aware of it and you cant stand the feeling. you feel like quitting everything on the spot, but leaving means abandoning who you know you are as a person, your entire identity, and thats the last thing you will ever do.

date: 4/13/26 19:14
mood: irritated
status: fuck
listening to: two faces lovers gakupo ver by lucifer

my brothers one of those guys who's knowledgeable about almost everything under the sun, but thats where the positives end. if youre with him, and someone asks you about a fandom youre into, my brother will jump into the conversation and explain everything you were just about to. and when you try to jump in urself, hell shut u down and ask you for proof. doesnt matter what, hell always ask for proof. and he always thinks hes right. i cant have shit in this household. nothing is mine, because hell somehow take it from me. everythinbg ive gotten into, hes gotten into. and when someone asks me about it, hell explain it. like please i need to nerd out too. i know you always cut people off because you dont have friends and therefore have to slither your way into every conversation because otherwise youre not sure youll ever get the attention you crave, but can u tone it down a little at least?? i was out on a walk with him and my dad the other day, and he KDEPT CUTTING ME OFF. i repeated the first 3 syllables of my sentence about 8 times before giving up.

he was talking about martians or something in terraria and ab how much he hated them and wanted to call them a slur, i said "in dc comics theres actually racism in mars" (referring to white martians) and he said "oh thats not what i was asking tho...?" and i swear to god i was about to turn around and leave right then and there, i didnt speak to him at all after that. and before u call me petty, this is everyday for me. always cutting me off, always acting better than me, smarter than me, when he cant comprehend the simple idea of depression or self harm even

once we were on vacation with the rest of my extended family and we were playing pool, guys vs girls (my family doesnt kno im trans... so i was on the girls team) and he was trying really hard to win, to the point where he was commanding our older step brother what to hit and just what to do. my step brother got so pissed he told my brother to back off cause its just a casual game, and my brother said "but still.. im just saying." and my step brother looked SO DONE lmao i had to tell my brother to back off and that it really wasnt that serious, and that if he wanted a serious game he wasnt gonna get it. its really weird how try hard he is. hell make fun of my sister whenever all 3 of us play mariokart too, since she tends to not p;lay a lot and gets rusty with her controls.

i guess hes been better at not makikng fun of people tho

date: 4/10/26 19:14
mood: sad
status: hmmm
listening to: inbred by ethel cain

i have a friend who always asks me to meet up with her, and that she misses me, and SHE keeps offering to meet up with me but everytime i try to move it to the next stage she suddenly backs out with excuses by framing her in like a victim-ish light, like shes trying to dance around the fact she just might not wanna see me. as if thats a foreign concept. everytime i try to seriously plan a meet up w her she says shit like "oh but the gas prices...", "oh by my schedule..." "my mom..." "my studies..." "my stomach hurts..." like omg please sstop!!! i see u going out with other people ALL THE TIME if u dont wanna see me stop making offers and gbetting my hopes up and planning shit! i keep offering to just come to her school so we dont have to go out of our way to go to a mall but she refuses for some reason?? like fuck. what do uwant me to do seriously? dont act excited to see me and then bail out last minute u dont do that to someone uve been friends with for 10 years. i genuinely always wanna see her and she knows this and yet she keeps backing out?? SHES the one who tells me she misses me. that SHE wants to see me, and then she pulls that shit? fuck

date: 4/03/26 16:20
mood: sad
status: want milk tea
listening to: voyager by daft punk
i heard of this through my sister. i was laying on the couch when she came up to me and asked "is mark for real leaving nct?". i shot up and told her to shut the fuck up. i was devastated. and it was real. hes leaving. and as sad as i am that hes no longer gonna be touring, making music, and spending time with the nct members, its his decision. and if thats what feels best for him then im glad. he kinda deerves the break anyway. after being under the limelight for so long, at such a young age. and him leaving doesnt even mean we wont be seeing him anymore. hes passionate about music, about his frriends, creativity. im sure he'll still put at least something out. i just hope he finds what hes chasing, whatever it is. and ill support him. it just feels surreal, u kno? like. am i really that old? my favorite childhood band is now losing members and popularity? how are we in 5th gen already?????

i just i dont know. i hope he stays safe. i hope he keeps making music, or at least writing. i loved 1999, loved child, loved golden hour, loved it all. this is one of my shorter blog posts, but i guess its just cause i dont have that much to say about mark leaving. yeah he was the back bone of nct, yeah im gonna miss seeing him interact with the members, but hey if thats what he wants then i trust his judgement. i trust mark

date: 3/30/26 19:57
mood: guilty
status: guilty
listening to: what i want by she wants revenge
all i want is beer and to never feel guilty again. sad, sure. but guilty? it tears at my chest and i cant do anything but let it happen because i know somewhere in my heart that i deserve it. at the bottom of my stomach between all the junk i stuff my face with in lieu of comfort, i know. i hate feeling this way. its so profound. its so wretched. its etched into the sinew of my muscles as a constant reminder and is the dark shadow in the corner of my room. no matter how hard i pretend, it will always be there. and i dontn know. maybe id lowkey crack that guy. cause its the only constant in my life and if its gonna be ther ei might as well have some fun with it? i just i dont know. i need another dopamine rush. i need to feel fine. but even i know i dont deserve that. the more i type the more i realize i dont think i deserve anything at all and it makes me wonder why i havent committed suicide yet and its funny cause the bottom line is that im a pussy. i cant see judgement on myself so im just living recklessly. waiting for something to take me out so that i wont have to do it myself

and this is where the mask of the phantasm part comes in because ive characterized my entire life with suffering. if im not good at anything i at least know i am good at suffering, so what happens when for the first time in years i find myself wanting to start over? to get off this slippery slope? to end the cycle??? if i strip back the layers of my skin i find nothing, because this illness has been my entire life and with out it i simply cannot exist. the best i can relate it to is that one scene in mask of the phantasm when bruce says that he never counted on being happy. its different now and it doesnt hurt as bad, and hes begging because he needs it to be different. thats the best i can describe this. just without the vigilantism

date: 3/29/26 17:48
mood: not well
status: i wanna go cafe hopping
listening to: tears of the lynx by banana fish
content warning for vomiting and shit. oh god. there was so much you dont even know

yesterday all i did was throw up and look to batman for unspoken guidance. for some reason whenever im sick or not feeling well i subconsciously turn to batman and his little lackeys. i was bedridden with a horrible headache. my headache had a headache. and i had to keep a little vomit bag in my pocket cause every movement illicited such a great amount of pain. i woke up that morning with the most INSANELY bloated stomach it was almost disgusting. actually it was disgusting. so i sat on the toilet praying to any god out there for it to be over and boy was it over very soon. because next thing i know i was vomiting stomach acid and it tinged the back of my throat so bad. i felt like a cat heaving before it actually vomited, cause that was exactly what i was doing. i was heaving NOTHING. until it actually finally came out. god i felt so pathetic like i was crying and stuff there was snot everywhere it was disgusting. ill never wish that on my worst enemy. but acrtually god was playing with me cause it wasnt over, and i spent the rest of the day vomiting. oh joy. i couldnt digest a THING. everything came back out me in the form of either vomit or shit. it was. horrible. i had two sips of soda and i was already fighting for my life. i think i watched like 3 movies that day cause god i literally couldnt do anything else. and they werent even new movies, i rewatched under the red hood, superman 2025, and batman 2022. im feeling better now but i still have a headache and my food doesnt quite feel digested. i had about 10 bites of lunch and i had to tap out cause the food felt liek it was sitting ON TOP of my stomach as opposed to feeling inside it if that makes sense.

can i also say isnt it so crazy how i coded this? i. me. hand coded. no chatgpt code me this thing or anything... 3 weeks ago i would have laughed in ur face about that idea. truly the hardest part about coding is gettin started. from there its sailing. its definitely not smooth, but at least im doing it well enough to not capsize

woa this is so crazy LMAOOOO i never expected to have my own blog.... all im gonna talk about now is jason todd. by the way this isnt finished so stay tuned or something idk